Remembering the Moments

I love my family.

More than anything.

Each of our children bring a unique and irreplaceable piece. Finding out there was going to be a 5th piece of love was so exciting.I was obsessed with the beautiful child growing within me.

Obsessed with the little growth I could see happening.

Obsessed with Before pics so I could later take After pics.

Thank you Honey for being patient during our many belly photo shoots!I couldn't wait to feel her moving.

I couldn't wait to look like this again.

{This is in 2007 a few hours before Jarvis was born}I know Sherry is not fond this next picture but it's my favorite.

We went and got our hair done and pedicures right before she had her youngest Reed.

Our bodies are so much the same that it's as close as I can get to a before and after pic in the same picture. The life of my Angel was short but I'm so grateful for the little evidence I have of her.
Month 4 I am holding her.

It's not what I had in mind for the last picture :(

My baby bump disappeared too quickly.

In some moments I would love my belly and the reminder it gave me of her.

And other moments I hated it and the reminder it gave me of what's happening.

Sherry found this website called Heaven's Gain.

It was the only place she could find that sold small baby caskets for miscarried babies.

It was so cute and I'm so grateful for this woman who provides such a special thing during such hard times. But I really wanted it to be mostly white and have a little more of a personal touch. So this is the before pictures. I am grateful for the women in my life at this time. I know I say that alot but I truly feel so blessed to have the friends I have at this season of my life. I haven't had much time to get to know Cambree very well but she was so sweet and helped me when it was much needed. She has had 2 early stillborn girls. I can't even imagine doing this again. She is very talented and I'm grateful for her sharing her talent and testimony and experience with me. She has been a strength to me. She helped Sherry give my Angel's casket a makeover. She embroidered Angel's name so perfectly. Sherry has been so emotionally connected with me during this. This has been so hard on her also. It's so hard and hurts seeing each other hurt. She wanted me to be able to have a sweet memory of making Angel's box for her but when I couldn't she stepped in to help me. She worked so gently on the inside.I tried to help a couple times but it was so hard.

How can I decorate the box that my baby will soon be laying in

when I'm still pregnant and she is still inside me??

The thought was disturbing and shattering.

I just knew I wanted it to be beautiful and trusted these girls to do it.It felt like an outer body experience.

I could not get my brain to make any decisions or have any opinion.

I tried to tell myself that this will be one of the only physical things I can give to her.

Just embrace it.

Finally near the end I glued the flowers on top.

After Cambree made them and they told me exactly how to arrange them :)Thank you girls for making my babies casket & jar so beautiful. I love every piece of it. I loved being able to hold it and stroke every detail. I am grateful she is not in the little white hard tuperware box I bought for her. I never even knew this was even an option. Thank you Sherry for all your research and phone calls. She has been my brave voice through all this and got to the bottom line of what's available to women in these situations. Friday, September 30th, 2011

would now be considered her birth date and death date.

This was taken during the last few moments that I was able to carry her. After waiting 4 weeks to miscarry {6 weeks from when her heart stopped} I had to have a suction d&c. I would have been 18 and a half weeks pregnant. I wanted so much to deliver her on my own at home but it just didn't work out that way. I guess I had what's called a late missed miscarriage. My body was not recognizing the loss of the baby. As we arrived at the hospital I felt so much peace and tried to remove the thoughts that made me sick to my stomach. My mom said it's like those who fight and die in a war and their bodies are sent home in pieces to their families. My Angel has fought a short life but will be sent home with her family and laid to rest. Lately I have felt like I have been on auto pilot. Just going through my day without much emotion or thought. Trying to push it all away as just some nightmare. When they started to prep me for surgery with a gown and IV it all started to sink in that this was a reality. I welled up with tears as I realized how soon I would no longer be pregnant. And not be taking my infant home. The nurse that would assist during surgery came in to introduce herself. I asked if I should give Angel's jar to her. She seemed shocked. She said at any hospital she has ever worked at they have never allowed the baby to leave the hospital. I knew this was going to happen! I have been warned of this. So many women have had similar stories of not being able to keep their baby. I was crushed. What right do they have to keep her!? Don't they know how precious she is to us? I looked her in the eye and firmly told her, "My doctor said he will give her to me. I am taking her home." She said she would go figure things out. Just a minute later my doctor came in and sat next to me on my bed. He said OR knows my desires and they will send her home with me. He already told us he just has to send a tiny sample to the lab in the hospital to make the hospital lawyers happy. He gave us the option of allowing us to put her in the jar we brought or having them do it. I did not want to see her after the procedure so I allowed him to do it. He was so sweet and concerned. I am so deeply grateful I had a doctor willing to do this for us. It was finally time so I kissed Tyler goodbye and they rolled me away. I hated that Tyler couldn't be by my side and hold my hand. As I was put on the surgery table it felt like there were doctors on every side of me prepping for surgery. I couldn't stop crying. I could see the room starting to spin in circles. The anesthesiologist leaned over and whispered in my ear that everything was going to be ok. Then he whispered,"Here comes the relaxation medicine." The last thing I remember was whispering back to him, "Thank you" as tears rolled down my cheeks and not being able to wipe them cause my arms were strapped down. I remember being so grateful for the relaxation medicine. They should pump that stuff way sooner. It felt like I blinked. It felt like seconds later I opened my eyes and the first thing I saw was my Angel's jar in my arm. Of course I could not restrain my tears. My heart was so full of happiness and sadness. I was SO relieved to have her. All my worries of not taking her home were gone. But so sad to now be officially not pregnant. I still can't express in words what that feels like. So empty. As I'm trying to pull myself together a nurse is trying to get me ready to get into a wheel chair. As she pulled off my blankets she said, Oh dear. I knew I was wet but I kind of assumed they knew. I was completely saturated in blood. She called the doctor but he said that's expected. So she cleaned things up and brought Tyler back to wait with me. Tyler said after the procedure was finished my doctor came out and told him everything went just fine. He said I lost quite a bit of blood but that I would be fine. He said he was glad we did the d&c when we did. I was amazed how well I felt physically. Tyler helped me get dressed and that was it. Time to go home. It's all over. I held her the whole way home. It seems so strange to have her not be a part of me. For her to not be with me every breath and movement. I'm so grateful for the beautiful way she was able to be wrapped up. And so grateful to have a doctor understand our wishes. I love the tender mercies that have surrounded us.