Angel Baby

Being pregnant is such a sweet experience. I am amazed how our bodies can grow a tiny perfect infant. It's miraculous. Of all the experiences I will have to endure in my life I always hoped and prayed that losing a baby wouldn't be one of them. I always assumed it was extremely hard for Mommy's, but I was so naive and never could have imagined this kind of heartache. We have been greatly blessed with 4 perfect infants. And now we have a perfect celestial angel baby. I always had fears with this pregnancy. I'm not sure why other than a mothers intuition and the spirit preparing me. Somehow I just knew it wasn't going to be one of my typical pregnancies. On Thursday September 1st Tyler and I went to the lake with some amazing friends. I remember pulling on my swim suit and telling Tyler that I didn't feel pregnant anymore. I just thought I was getting to the easy part during the 2nd trimester. At the lake everyone was wakeboarding and it looked so fun. I have missed it all summer. I was tempted to just do it. Everything will be fine. I have always skiied pregnant and it always was fine. With this baby for some reason I've been extra super cautious though. I have seen so many women go through terrible experiences lately that I just didn't want to take any chances. It wasn't worth the risk. So I sat out like I have all summer. Next summer I'll tear it up out there. I can wait. My life now is completely directed towards making the safest environment for my sweet baby that is growing within my body. I had realized earlier that my next OB appointment wasn't for another 4 weeks. That would be an 8 week gap inbetween appointments. So I called the office to see if it was a mistake. They apologized and said you are due for a check up right now, can you come tomorrow? I said of course. On Friday September 2nd I woke up so sad in the morning. I couldn't pinpoint it, but I just couldn't stop crying. Tyler was home and was going to come with me to my routine check up. I felt bad though because he had only slept a couple hours so I told him to stay in bed. It was just a normal blood pressure and heartbeat appointment. He didn't need to be there for that. All the kids were at school except Jarvis so I decided to take him with me so Tyler could sleep better. I thought Jarvis would think hearing the heartbeat would be neat.When I got to my appointment of course the first thing they do is weigh you. As I watched the nurse move the weights on the scale around my heart just sunk. I weighed less than I did at my last appointment. I knew right then that something was wrong. I have never ever lost weight during a pregnancy. I'm the girl that had a male OBGYN tell me,"You know you aren't actually eating for two right? You only need a few more calories than normal." Oh yes he really did say that. I always gain way too much. Never lose. My mind is racing as I lay on the bed and wait for the nurse practitioner to put the gel on my belly. It was all slow motion. I'm trying to tell myself that I'm over reacting and everything is going to be fine. You will hear her beautiful heartbeat just like you did a couple weeks before. We wait. We listen. There's a few echoing noises. Tears are now just pouring down my cheeks. After a few minutes of trying and trying she says, "Well that was her heart but she's not going to give us a good one today. Let's go try to see her on the ultrasound." The walk back to the ultrasound room was awful. Jarvis was so sweet and kept asking why I was crying. When the ultrasound picture shows up on the screen of my little angel I immediately had to look away. It was not right. She was not moving and waving at me like last time. Seeing my tiny 2 and a half inch baby doing nothing, no movement whatsoever, was so heart wrenching. Jarvis came over and stroked my belly so softly. It's silent as the nurse waits and waits for just the slightest movement. She didn't say anything for awhile, just a couple of sympathetic deep sighs. I think she was trying to give me the chance to let it sink in before she said anything. Finally after the longest few minutes ever she says,"Oh sweetie. This is not what I do for a living, but I'm going to be honest with you, I should see a heartbeat right there and I just don't see it. I am so sorry." By this point I am sobbing and it all just feels like a nightmare. Like this isn't really happening. She tells me she's going to send me to an ultrasound specialist right away. She told me to have my husband come pick me up. I called Tyler and could barely choke out the words. "There's no heartbeat. She doesn't have a heartbeat." He came as quickly as he could as Jarvis waited patiently with me. The nurses were so sweet and gave me lots of hugs and kind words. When Tyler walked in I just felt like I could now crumble. We embraced each other without saying anything. We took Jarvis to Grandma Smith's and we went to the specialist. She confirmed there was not a heartbeat and the baby was measuring about 12 and a half weeks. That made me so sad. I was almost 15 weeks. I thought I was passed the scary miscarriage stage. How can she be gone? I have been so careful and taken so many cautions to take care of her. Ever since even before she was conceived we had been preparing for her arrival. It's so hard to unplan. We lost a lifetime of plans and dreams for her. Plans about being big and uncomfortable when we move, being big at Christmas, plans of our first spring baby, plans of spring break being shortly after she would be born, plans of meeting her brothers and sisters for the first time. This whole time planning for her sweet arrival. Of course we never planned on saying goodbye. I feel like I can still fix this. My body can fix this somehow. They told me that 80% of the time the chromosomes just didn't line up right. Every doctor repeated how there was nothing I could have done. These things just happen. They told me I was too early to find out if it was a boy or girl. But they all kept calling her a her and a she. And when I receieved the answer that I was supposed to get pregnant, I knew it was a girl waiting for us. When we picked up the kids from school we told them that their baby sister is now in heaven. They were all so sad and expressed sweet concerns. By the time I finally made it up the stairs and to my bed my head hurt so bad from crying and from trying to figure this all out. I still can't wrap my mind around all of it yet. I am still in shock and the reality hasn't quite sunk in. Tyler rubbed my back as I tried to take a short nap. When I woke up I knew I wanted more tangible evidence of her existence. I called my sweet friend Kendyl who took pictures at my sister Joy's funeral to come out and take a few pictures of me and my belly that I knew would disappear all to soon. I am so glad I received inspiration to do that. I will cherish her pictures forever. It was so hard and I couldn't keep my eyes dry. I had a hard time looking at the camera and kept needing to take deep breathes. But Kendyl was the sweetest and made it so much easier. We did the pictures out by my bishops farm. So afterwards we sat and talked to bishop and his wife. They are such amazing people. They are so humble and have no idea the healing they do to my heart. I love them both so much and am so grateful that they are a part of my life when we have had it so hard. I'm am learning and growing through all our experiences. They all feel impossible to get through at the moment, and then somehow you realize as time passes that you were able to endure more than you ever knew you could. I feel like we have lost so much this year and I just feel drained and empty and shattered. I remember almost a year ago saying to a good friend that life felt so easy and happy for the moment. Life was good. And she warned me that there is always a calm before the storm. It started just a couple days after that with almost losing my oldest brother when he was on life support. Then I lost my Dad in a way that's impossible to describe. Then we lost some very special friends. Lost my dear sweet sister. Lost our home. And now lost our sweet angel baby. It's been a tough year. Extremely tough. The hardest. And somehow each trial feels like it's preparing us for the next. I am ready for the rainbow after the storm. I am scared for what lies ahead. I feel broken. But I have so many great friends and family who uplift me. And my testimony has grown with each experience of how important it is to stay close to the Savior. Especially during trials. And only through Him can we be healed. I have a long road ahead. The doctors let me choose if I wanted to do a D&C or miscarry on my own. Both options feel so icky. I don't want to flush her and I don't want to willingly let them dispose of her. I always thought that women who know their baby has passed and is still inside them has to be one of the hardest things. But I am not ready to let go of her yet. I still feel like I have to protect her. Sherry has helped me so much in finding out how to do this. Trying to help me find better options. I don't know what to do. If it was earlier I would have just miscarried on my own before I ever heard the heartbeat. If it was just a few weeks later I would have been able to deliver her and have a burial for her. This crazy middle part is so hard. She is so real and I want so much to lay her to rest. I pray that this will all work out in the end where I can have some peace and closure. I have learned about myself that when it comes to baby deliveries I guess I'm kind of old school. I love the natural process. I never knew til now why I don't like epiderals. I am not scared of needles. I guess I just love letting it all happen naturally. So I told the doctors I don't want a D&C. I want to miscarry on my own. Sherry and Tyler have been helping me to prepare. Every day that passes gets harder and harder. I have so much anxiety waiting until she is ready to come. It consumes my thoughts. The details are hard to think about. I have tried to stay busy with relaxing activities. I already know my personality and if I let myself stay in bed and let myself sink to the darkest place, it is nearly impossible for me to climb back out. So I've tried to keep as normal of a routine as I can possibly handle emotionally. I try to fill my time researching what I should expect, taking lots of walks, laying out by the pool, reading scriptures, talking to friends, going to the temple and taking naps. I can't believe how many women have had to go through this heartache. But I am grateful for those who now share their experiences with me. I have so much more compassion for them. I wanted so much to hold my sweet infant in my arms. And now she has come and gone. I am so sad I don't get to kiss her toes and smell her hair and listen to her cry and giggle. I don't get to look in her eyes and get to know her for the first time after delivery. But I do know her and can feel her with us. She is a very special part of our family. I'm deeply grateful for the short time we were able to spend together. I don't know how we are going to get through this. I feel like someday this will be a sweet growing experience for us, but it doesn't feel like it quite yet. She is still inside my belly and I don't think the healing can fully begin until she's delivered and laid to rest. I can't wait to feel a little bit of peace.The bond that grew over her 3 months of life inside my womb were so strong and intense. I have been so closely attached to her life. And now to her death. Something inside me has literally died. There are so many emotions of guilt and fear. It seems cruel to let me love her so much and then take her away. Even though she was not allowed to live on this earth, she is so significant to our family. I'm grateful that her short life also brings a feeling of unconditional love and peace. A feeling of gratitude for His eternal plan. That He knows what I need more than I know what I need. For what feels like a lifetime I have been praying relentlessly for a change of heart. Praying to help me be truly converted. This experience has already helped me to get past some past trials and sadness and desires and frustration. I would have never wanted this to be the answer to my prayers. But it puts it all into perspective of what our purpose is here and what this life is about. It's hard for us to grasp that we have a baby in heaven. We have an angel baby who was too perfect for this world and is now celebrating in heaven that she has received her mortal body. And now we need to live our lives so that we can be with her again. I miss her. I love her. And can't wait to have my angel baby as mine again. ♥