Patiently Waiting

My kids keep asking when the baby is going to come out. I wish I knew. Shyann keeps asking specific questions. We finally sat down and talked to Branson and Shyann about what is happening with a little more detail. I don't know when is the right age to tell your kids about how babies come out. I was ready to tell my 7 year old daughter, but not my 9 year old son. But with all my fears, the conversation actually went way better than I could have ever expected. They were so sweet and innocent. Trulie is my baby lover. She loves taking care of the babies. She keeps saying, "That's just so sad that the baby died." The other day Jarvis colored me a cute picture and as he handed it to me he said, "This is for you because the baby died." Then he reached his arms around my waist to give me a hug. I reached down to pat his back. He said, "Mom I'm not hugging you, I'm hugging the baby." So sweet. I am so grateful for my sweet children. I never knew how fragile pregnancy can be. I now know that it was a great miracle to get each of them here.

It has now been 3 weeks since we found out our sweet angel no longer had a heartbeat. It feels like an eternity. My life has been put on hold and everything within me is now consumed with thoughts of her and waiting to miscarry. The word miscarriage just does not capture the gravity and impact of bereavement. Waiting has not been easy. I've talked to several women who wanted to miscarry naturally but after a couple days decide to do a d&c because it's torture waiting. Knowing their baby no longer lives within them is devastating. For me the first couple of days my emotions were all over the place. In one moment I would think I just need to close this chapter of my life and get it over with as quick as possible and try to move on. Then the next moment I would feel so grateful to have her still and almost couldn't wait to miscarry. Almost an excited feeling like when you're so close to your due date and every day you are so aware of every cramp or movement and can't wait to be in labor. I want so badly to feel like I've delivered her. To have some sort of contractions and delivery. I have heard so many stories personally from friends and been online and read so many womens experiences that I feel completely prepared for what was going to happen. It was hard to find information on the actual process. The details. I would hope that none of you would ever have to experience this, but if you find yourself in the same situation there was only a couple websites that gave me the information I wanted. This lady gives you everything you need to know. {Lost Innocents} There is a tab on her website that's labeled Photographs. I can't believe what these babies look like at 12 & 13 weeks. I want to deliver my tiny 2 inch angel, hold her, and have a burial for her. She is my baby. Not some product of conception or tissue or medical waste. I want my story to be the same as hers. But I'm not sure it's going to work out that way.

In just a couple days I will be at 6 weeks from when she stopped growing. They said it could take anywhere from 4-6 weeks. But the longer it takes the more risks are involved. I knew they would only let me go to 6 weeks. I just assumed this is such a natural process and my body will know how to take care of it. I met with my sweet OB on Wednesday the 21st. I love her so much and love how much she cares for each individual patient. She is so genuine and always seems so excited to see you. I joke with her that I get pregnant just so I can come see her. She is absolutely amazing. She wanted me to come in to discuss what has been going on. I feel achey in my lower back all the time and achey in my legs, but have had only a tiny bit of cramping and no bleeding. She said she really wanted me to be able to do this on my own but is now scared for my safety. My body is just not recognizing the loss of this pregnancy. She says the baby is now toxic to my body. She says it will cause serious infections and start making me sick. She wants to do what is best for my health and help preserve my uterus. She says I have 3 options. 1 is to insert something that she says is basically like seaweed. It dilates the cervix to begin the process. 2 is to take some medication that will make me start to contract and cramp until it pushes the baby out. But she is terrified by this point to have me do this alone. She wants me in a professionals care when the bleeding starts. She says she won't do the surgery anymore. I am now high risk. She wants me to go to her high risk specialist and have a suction d&c. She is worried about DIC (Disseminated Intravascular Coagulation). She says this whole time my body has been producing blood clots and by waiting this long, when the placenta comes detached and the flood gates open there is a huge possibility that they won't close and I will hemorrhage. She says she is nervous if I wait any longer and start miscarrying on my own I will end up losing too much blood and end up in the ER needing blood transfusions and getting an emergency d&c. She wants me to skip the horror and just be where I can be taken care of from the beginning. Tyler agreed with her. She scared him enough that he thinks the d&c is the best and safest thing to do at this point.

I just sat there listening to what they were trying to tell me and cried. I wanted to run away. Run away from what they were saying. I know they can't possibly understand how much I care about this baby. I know it's reckless to put my own life at risk but what about her body? My doctor showed us exactly what would be performed. Tyler asked if we would be able to still take her home so we can bury her. She said yes but they generally don't like to because they don't like handing over the tissue that is now in peices to the grieving Mom & Dad. I absolutely don't want to see that. But she says we can have it put in a container that is not see through. I said nothing for a long time then I simply whispered, "ok". I felt sick. This is not how I dreamed this would happen. But every time I am on my knees and speak to my Father in Heaven I would always start by pleading, "I know Thou knows the desires of my heart. Please let me deliver her on my own," but it always was followed by "unless Thou knows what will be better and safer for me. Thy will be done." Tyler gave me priesthood blessing that was very comforting but things he said made me feel like this was not going to go according to my plan. I have tried everything. Tyler & I went and got a couples massage that was absolute bliss. Mine was supposed to help induce. Tyler does inducing pressure points on me every night. He also rubs Clary Sage oil on my abdomen and feet every night to help induce cramping. We go jogging every day. I soak in the hot tub or a hot bath regularly. Everything they tell you not to do if you've had some cramping or spotting during a pregnancy, I have been doing the opposite, trying to get things going. Nothing has worked.

My doctor wanted to schedule the d&c for as soon as possible. But when the specialist called me the soonest he could schedule for was the following Wednesday September 28. We have a consultation with him on the Tuesday before. I felt crushed after hearing from my OB what had to be done. But when the high risk surgeon couldn't see me for a week I immediately felt some relief. I was so glad it was not going to be so soon. I couldn't handle the thought of it all happening in just a few hours. And next Wednesday puts me past the 6 week mark. I have some peace in knowing that I did all that I possibly could. I waited as long as they will medically let me. Now I still have 3 days that this could all start happening on my own at home. I hope and pray that it does. I still want so much to deliver her and hold her. But if Wednesday rolls around and nothing has happened I think I am mentally and emotionally prepared.

Over the last 3 weeks there have been many days of fasting and hundreds of heartfelt prayers to my Father in Heaven. I am learning to trust in His plan more than my own. It has been nearly 7 months ago that Tyler and I prayed together and received the sweetest inspiration that we were to have this angel. Although my arms will be empty and I won't get to kiss her nose and snuggle her for countless hours, I won't know her favorite food or favorite song or favorite color, I am still so deeply grateful for her life. She is very much alive and He has a special plan for her. Joseph Smith said,"The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again."-History of the Church 4:553. He must have needed another angel. This tender loss now helps us realize the importance of reaching greater righteousness and greater spiritual heights so that we can return home and be with her and all our children in celestial paradise for eternity. I am surprised by the emotions that fill me most of the time. Instead of turning away and feeling angry, I feel so much love. The knowledge that He loves me and loves all his children is so real. Suffering can bring us so much closer to the Savior. I now have a deeper understanding of the atonement. I have of course always been so grateful for the atonement and have had experiences that has brought the reality of it into my life. Spiritual pain is unquenchable. And He provides relief and forgivness. But our Savior suffered not only for our sins, but for all our sorrow. He personally knows my heartache and sorrow and pain. He has felt it. And He wants to take it away. He chose to experience our pains and afflictions so He could understand us. And because He has felt all, He knows how to help us and comfort us and heal us. Sometimes we are physically healed. But sometimes we are healed by being given strength and understanding and patience to bear the burdens placed upon us. "Our mortal experiences may not immediately change, but our pain, worry, suffering, and fear can be swallowed up in His peace and healing balm. Ye cannot bear all things now; ye must grow in grace and in knowledge of the truth." -Kent F. Richards of the SeventySherry gave me this little tiny stone plaque. Love it. I have had lots of time to dwell. And it's obviously not easy. I have been trying to remember and focus on the happy moments. Remembering the positive pregnancy test and feeling the rush of immediate love for the brand new conceived baby. Remembering feeling comfort in the nausea and restless sleepless nights and many trips to the bathroom, all meaning that she was there and growing. Remembering how much I loved the sound of her tiny heart. Loving so much seeing her for the first time and watching her wave at me on the ultrasound. I am trying to love having my celestial daughter with me for the short time that we have left together. Trying to embrace this experience and make it a beautiful memory. In the quiet and heartbreaking moments alone as I hold my belly and try to understand the reality, I'm grateful to feel His love surround me and help me through this. I have faith that He knows me and would sit and weep with me. I trust in my Heavenly Father's plan. Even if it's not the plans I made. A sweet friend of mine who has lost 2 sweet stillborn baby girls shared this with me: "In this fallen world, some lives will be painfully brief; some bodies will be malformed, broken, or barely adequate to maintain life; yet life will be long enough for each spirit, and each body will qualify for resurrection."-Elder D. Todd Christofferson of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

I cling to the tender mercies all around me every day that is evidence of His love. We have had many unforgettable moments. I am once again grateful for the many beautiful friends and family I have. I am grateful for your love and concern. Thank you so much for the prayers in our behalf. Thank you for your sweet comments, and texts, and cards, and emails, and treats, and dinners, and flowers, and gifts, and phone calls, and hugs. I feel like I am surrounded by angels. Thank you for helping us on this journey.