A Boy With Heart

Reed Thomas Smith

Oh how I miss my big brother Reed. I've had this post saved as a draft since last year March. I just don't know how to tell his story. I can't believe that it's been 19 years since he passed away. He was only 17 years old, and I was 10. He would be 37 years old today. Even though I'm much older than what he was when he passed, I still picture him as my big brother.

My dad had a doughnut bakery and also a pretzel shop in Fiesta Mall. Reed worked at the competitors pretzel shop in the mall, Pretzel Time. I was working at the doughnut bakery with my Mom and siblings. I remember my Dad calling and saying that Reed had just left on his motorcycle and said he going to kill himself. Reed had been struggling for a while with depression. I remember all of us at the bakery sobbing while kneeling in prayer in the little office.

When we got home we found a letter from him that said we could find him on the side of the road to Payson. I remember all of us hoping and praying he would just be sitting and waiting there for us to find him. He had already picked out the place. He had talked about it before with his girlfriend how beautiful it was. But no one knew exactly where.

I remember going home and having so many family and friends there. They all gathered together to make a plan and went out searching for him. After the 24 hour wait to report a missing person, I remember the police started searching with a helicopter. No one could find him for 3 days. I remember the police coming over and my parents were gone. My older brother Glade received the news and had to call my parents to tell them. A hitchhiker found him on the side of the road, off of a cliff. His helmet was up on the road. They think he threw it off before driving off of the cliff. They said parts of his bike were up in the trees. They said he died instantly on impact.

I remember feeling that overwhelming feeling that comes with suicide. You can't fight the feeling like you could have done something to change it. Suicide brings so much guilt and sorrow. Even at 10 years old. He didn't feel loved. How do you get over the fact that your brother didn't know you loved him? I remember at his funeral when they closed his casket for the last time being the hardest thing I have ever had to go through at that point in my life. It was the final goodbye. I remember the sounds of all of us sobbing and thinking how could he not know how loved he was?

   My sister Joy was buried in the same cemetery. At her burial we all walked over to where Reed is. I remember feeling some peace knowing that they are together. I remember feeling like Joy was so lucky to get to see him again and give him a big hug and tell him how much she loves and missed him. But also remember feeling like this was all so unfair. I have already lost a brother and now a sister.

 

 

 

A few weeks ago I was watching some home videos at Sherry's house. Below is a still frame shot from Donna's birthday party. I can't explain the emotion that came over me! I was watching this part of the video. I am the one on the left next to Reed. It's Sherry, me, Reed & Joy. Donna got the game Old Maid for her birthday. Reed was reading all the cards to me. Joy was all excited saying how her friend Kami has that game. So awesome to see the two of them together. And watching Reed have a conversation with me was so sweet! I loved watching him talk to me. I could not stop crying! My kids kept asking if I was ok. In that moment I felt like Reed was right there with me. It was one of the sweetest moments ever. Almost like giving him a hug after 19 years! I am so grateful I was able to have that precious & tender experience.

 

I get told all the time that Branson reminds them of Reed. Not necessarily because of his looks, but because of his funny little quirks and ticks. Reed had several habits of blinking his eyes tight and slapping his fingers on one hand to sound like a snap. Branson does a lot of those same things.

I LOVE YOU sooooo very much Reed!!

I am so grateful for the memories I have of you...

although they seem silly, they are so very precious to me!

You were so good looking and fun and such a sweet brother.

I love how you didn't mind hanging out with your 4 little sisters.

Mom says now it was because you would do anything to get to drive somewhere

and you didn't like just hanging out alone.

 

♥I remember you taking us, your little sisters to the car wash that you could put anything round like a quarter in it, but it could be a round washer or cardboard circle, and it would work.

♥I remember stealing the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms because Mom never would buy the good & expensive cereals. {I'm totally snacking on a dry bowl of Lucky Charms right now.}

♥I remember you taking us for a drive in the old blue truck and speeding up trying to hit the pigeons while you drove.

♥I remember you taking us to Cocoa's restaurant to go see your old girlfriend and you spilled your drink on your clothes and you left us there while you went back home to change. {we were probably 8 or 9}

♥I remember how you and Joe were best friends. I love how Joe has become a brother to me now. My favorite is when Joe tells me crazy stories about you that I've never heard.

♥I remember being in the hallway behind the Pretzel Shop in the mall and there was a little black button. You told us to push it. As soon as we did you took off running and told us to run! I'm pretty sure it did nothing. But I remember laughing so hard, or maybe being a little scared too, that I peed my pants.

♥I remember how you always chewed on your straw for hours.

♥I remember how you and Donna always were good friends.

♥I remember how you would throw pillows at the dog we had and make him all mad and we would all run and jump up on the top bunk in our bedroom.

♥I remember you helping teach me how to jump off the roof of the house onto the trampoline.

♥I remember how you taught me the right way to roll a soft taco from Taco Bell.

♥I remember you bringing Leo, the cutest chow puppy home. He was your dog so it was special having him around after you died. He lived until just a couple years ago. Til he was about 17 years old! Hmm...I never realized til I just typed that...you were 17 too :(

♥I remember when Sherry thought it would be cute to let Leo say hi to our cat Kitty Witty and the cat clawed her face! You were so mad you took the cat in the garage and banged things around and came out with paper towels & a knife soaked in salsa to pretend you killed the cat. Joy cried. Kitty Witty showed up later that day totally fine.

♥I remember how you would lounge around in your red sweat pants.

♥I remember you grew your hair out long and you said it was just so you could taste it.

♥I remember Dad being so mad that the mall allowed another pretzel shop to open. And then you chose to work there.

♥I remember your big happy smile.

♥I remember being in 3rd grade and walking home from church. I was running across the street in the crosswalk on Broadway and slipped in my slippery church shoes. I must have been 8 and you only 15. I was crying and you picked me up and carried me home. I remember being so embarrassed that while you carried me my dress was hanging down and my panties were showing and there was a boy from my class watching. I remember you laying me on the couch. I ended up having a broken wrist and had to get a cast.