Pure Bliss

Today has been a beautiful day.
There are amazing people in my life who are such beautiful examples to me.
I wish I could shout to all the world how I’m feeling.
It’s too personal to share our whole experience on the world wide web.
But I want to record & remember this day and how I feel.
We have been going through so much heartache.
Racked and tormented with grief.
I am normally a naturally happy person.
But lately that has been near impossible.
It’s a good day if my mascara stays on all day.
Even if I can force a smile and try so hard to make each day normal for my family, behind the smile all I can feel inside is this heaviness and darkness and emptiness and hurt.
It’s always in the back of my mind.
It feels better to be around people and try to feel happy on the surface than to be alone and have it consume me.
I know we all have trials and struggles.
And we all hurt more than we show.
My heart has been so troubled.
I am so exhausted from the sadness.
Yearning for some relief.
I pray and pray and pray.
Pray to make me stronger somehow.
I was giving up. It felt hopeless. I was searching for an escape from the anguish.
I was home alone last night for the first time since this has all been going on.
The kids were staying at Grandma's because I was going to be out late and Tyler was working.
And on one of the hardest days, when it felt there was no way to bear it any longer, I was so blessed to receive more than I could have ever imagined and more than I ever deserved.
The events leading up to this were more than a coincidence.
It was truly inspired.
I owe tremendous amounts of thanks for the mercy and love which has been shown towards me.
I am so humbled.
I am so grateful to have some forgiveness and healing.
I feel like I can breathe without thinking again.
I feel so much lighter as this burden has begun to be lifted.

We were able to have a day that felt almost normal.
I woke up overwhelmed in happy tears.
It felt like a dream.
We didn’t get out of bed til after noon.
I love being held in the arms of my sweetheart.
He makes me feel like I might not fall apart.
We spent the rest of the day together as a family.
Just running. playing. talking. snuggling. reading. baking cookies. eating. laughing.
I love feeling like me again.
I love being a wife.
I love being a Mommy.

We went to the track to run.
The kids had a blast and asked if we can go every day.
They’ll keep me motivated to train!
Tyler ran by my side the whole way.
He was able to push me a little harder than I would have pushed myself.
We did 5 miles in 52 minutes/10.4 minutes miles.
Still nothing amazing, but for me it is.
It felt so good.

Whoa.

Let me try! Hahahaha! Maybe someday! Feels so good to truly laugh!

I would give up chololate, but I'm no quitter :)

It may seem like a boring or simple day.
But I am so grateful for some normalcy.

For us it has felt so euphoric.
Almost miraculous.

My hope is that this may help someone who may be feeling the same way.
It obviously has been extremely difficult.
But we also have had some of the most spiritual experiences that I will never forget.
I am grateful for the knowledge of the eternities.
The Lord's love brings relief, comfort, and joy.
We have felt so much love from our Savior.
We have grown closer together and so much closer to the Lord.
I know our Savior can purify us and help us bear our agony.
I know He knows ours names and burdens and yearns for us to return to live with Him.
Amazing how such sweet blessings and knowledge can come from our trials and tribulations.
It’s hard to see past today.
But our Heavenly Father can see us in terms of forever.
Turn to our Savior.
Listen to His whisperings.
He is always ready to take us back.
He will not fail you.
He loves you.